What They Don't Know
by sabrielfaerie
Summary: Students at Hogwarts have Ministry issued diaries to fill. They soon realise that it will be easier to fill them than first expected. Rated for language and heavy content
1. Ron

September 3,  
  
It's official; the ministry is full of dunderheads. They want us to fill out diaries so that we can "get in touch with our inner-selves." I'm very in touch with my inner-self. As opposed to Seamus who's very in touch with his "outer-self" if you know what I mean. Whoo-hoo. Okay, it wasn't that funny, but really, I can't believe they want us to do this. I might as well just pack up my bags and go to Muggle school. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous, I haven't had to do something this stupid since the doctor made me pee into a dixie cup. Ha-ha. Just kidding. But as I was saying, these diaries are completely ridiculous. Ludicrous, even. I'd like to see what Goyle is writing in his. We all know Goyle can't read or write. He's probably drawing pictures of his pet rock, which, coincidentally, looks a lot like him. Hermione tells me that I need to put my name on here. I have no idea why. I can remember my name just fine thank you, although I would like to know why Hermione is reading over my shoulder. You have to put your name on it Ron. Right, first of all, the only person who should be reading this is me, and I am quite certain that I remember my name. Second, who is Hermione to be telling me what to do? Just wait, she's going to come out with a comprehensive book on diary writing. I should push her off a cliff. Should, but won't. Instead I'll tell her to boil her head, and then she'll go cry on Harry's shoulder and Harry will come over here and tell me to apologize to her, and I'll feel bad because Harry has better things to do than fix spats between Hermione and I so I'll end up apologizing to both of them and Hermione will sniff and tell me that I should be sorry and Harry will roll his eyes at her and the two of us will go do something else and leave Hermione to sort through her issues.  
  
I sometimes wonder why I even bother dating Hermione, all I ever do is screw things up and then Harry has to come through and clean up after me, and god knows he could do without that. Ah well, I better get going, time for me to apologize to Hermione. Not unless she gets that stupid cat off her lap. Ron 


	2. Hermione

A/N* The characters in this fic are in relation to the characters in the books. Therefore, banish all thoughts of the movie from your mind. Good job, you can read the story now  
  
September 3rd,  
  
Dear diary,  
  
My name is Hermione Anne Granger and at the request of the Ministry of Magic I am filling out this journal with the hope that it will allow me to get in touch with myself. I, for one, think it is a wonderful idea. Oh who am I kidding? I think it's a horrific idea, I should be spending this time studying for O.W.Ls. God, what a bloody waste, sitting here, writing in this thing, if I want to know more about myself I should just ask Harry. He knows what Ron and I are going to do before Ron and I do. Actually, everyone does. All Ron and I do is fight. I liked it better when we were just friends. Plus, I have a bit, okay, not a bit. I have a HUGE crush on Dean. That's right. Dean Thomas. Best friend of the self-proclaimed Finnigan the Magnificent. But he's very sweet and very handsome and very nice. I know what you're thinking (that's a figure of speech, you had better not be thinking or I will seriously scream) Harry Potter is all of those things. Yes, he is, but Harry knows me so well I'm afraid it would bore him to death. He might as well take himself out to dinner. So here I am, kissing Ron, wishing he was Dean, I can't even look at his ands and pretend that he's Dean unless I imagine that Dean's hands have gone very pale. Stupid Ministry, are they trying to traumatize us? Jerks, I half wish You-Know-Who would attack so that they would reroute their attention elsewhere. I hope Fudge falls asleep in his porridge and suffocates because nobody wants to rescue him. I hope that only three people go to his funeral and I hope that the eulogist calls him Boris through the entire thing and nobody corrects him because they could care less themselves. Irritatedly yours,  
  
Hermione 


	3. Dean

Sept. 3  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I hate diaries, better luck next time.  
  
Dean 


	4. Harry

Sept. 3rd  
  
A diary. Scary. Once it's on paper it's public. The world can know my thoughts. It's funny, with the amount of time I get alone you would think that people knowing my thoughts would be no big deal. Sorry, try again. Which reminds me of my life. Sorry, you have not chosen the winning life. Please place your 10 pence in the slot and try again.  
  
I wonder why they're making us do these. They probably want to make the psychiatric ward at St. Mungo's bigger, but first they want to make sure that they won't be wasting their money. They'll collect these at the end of the year and check them out, try and see if Hogwarts students are crazy enough to fill up a ward. They better start renovations now; I have enough problems to last a lifetime.  
  
Okay Harry, enough with the melodramatic BS. Other than the fact that somebody is repeatedly trying to kill me I don't actually have it that bad. I have some great friends. Although I really wish Hermione would hurry up and break it off with Ron so Dean can ask her out. Ron will mope around for a while. Then he'll start going out with Lavender (actually that's just a guess, although I do think they'd look god together) and he'll walk around on cloud nine for a few months and make fun of Seamus for being gay. Which, I know for a fact, he isn't. I rarely have serious conversations with Seamus but when his being gay came up he was quite serious. Some people are serious all the time and you never know when to believe them. They spend so much time trying to bring themselves across as Serious and Honest that they end up sounding fake and cheap. Seamus isn't like that though. He could care less if some people think he's gay. He knows that I know he isn't, he knows Dean knows he isn't, he knows Hermione knows and he knows that Neville and his parents know. Actually he could care less if everyone thought he was gay, because he knows that he isn'tand that's all that matters to him. The point I'm trying to get across is, I wish I could be more like Seamus Finnigan, I wish that knowing the truth myself was good enough for me. But it isn't, I always have to prove myself, for Dumbledore, for Lupin, for Sirius, for my parents, for Cho, even though I don't like her anymore. Seamus never feels like he has to prove himself. I actually remember the conversation we had.  
  
"Doesn't it bother you that everyone thinks your gay?"  
  
"I don't think I'm gay."  
  
"But still, your friends, even the teachers."  
  
"Listen to me Potter. I could go around treating girls like they're prizes, I could walk around with a girl on each arm and one on the floor to wipe my feet on and everybody would know that I'm not gay, but then who would I be?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"I don't know either, and that's the worst thing Potter, to not know what you are."  
  
I wish I was Seamus so bad sometimes. That would shake everyone up. The Boy Who Lived, the Quidditch hero, the champion Seeker wants to be someone else. What a revelation.  
  
Look, I've already written more than I intended and I need to get to tea. Maybe I'll write later. Or maybe I'll throw this book in the fireplace. Here comes Hermione. Ron must have told her to go boil her head. He is so daft. 


	5. Seamus

3 September,  
  
The fight is on! The gloves are off! That looked painful! Hermione and Ron are having a full fledged war. It appears Dean will have someone to snog with sooner than expected. Especially since Harry doesn't seem to have any intention of getting in there to tell them they're making fools of themselves. Which, of course they are. There's more dignity in jell-o wrestling. Not that Ron cares, with hair like that dignity must be the last thing on your mind but I'd think Hermione would care more.  
  
Seamus Finnigan, Esq. Here at your service. Well technically you're at my service but we'll skip the technicalities and head right to bed shall we? Ha! In bed with a book, although I must say a book would be a lot better than some of the things (and people) I have apparently been paired with. Malfoy, for instance. Of course I cleared that one up right away since my da' is a muggle. Can you imagine Draco Malfoy sleeping with *gasp* a half blood? Harry wonders why I put up with it. People calling me gay, I mean. In all honesty there are worse things they could call me. Chances are I wouldn't care about them either. It's like that stupid kids poem, sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. It's true, words won't hurt me, and they certainly won't make me gay. I remember Ron said he had seen me dancing in a gay bar. I asked him why he was in a gay bar and he turned bright red and wouldn't talk to me (or anyone else) for a week. It's all in how you handle it, I tell Hermione. When Malfoy calls her mudblood and she draws her wand and attacks him it only makes it worse. Oh well, I probably shouldn't lecture people on handleing things. The only thing I've handled in the past week is undiluted bobotuber pus that I conveniently poured over Malfoys head. It could have got me expelled but Lupin was the one who caught me. I got a week of detention and ten points from Gryffindor. Malfoy got ten points from Slytherin for calling me a git. Fair exchange methinks. Lupin tries really hard to be Equal and Fair. It's unfortunate that he usually has to turn around and hide his laughter before punishing us. It really ruins the effect.  
  
Until next time,  
  
Seamus Finnigan, Esq. 


	6. Draco

September 03  
  
The Journal Of Drace Malfoy  
  
I received an owl form father today, it appears he cannot get me out of this ludicrous treatment. He has lost much of his influence since the end of the Tri-Wizard Tournament when the Muggle loving Albus Dumbledore decided that tragic little Harry Potter is telling the truth about his meeting with the Dark Lord.  
  
Nevertheless I will not let it get me down. Potter will pay and father will stand along side the Dark Lord as will I. I have Defence Against The Dark Arts with the werewolf. Mayhap he will transform in the middle of the lesson and bite his own head off.  
  
Draco Malfoy 


	7. Ron again

September 5  
  
Single again. God damn Hermione Granger. God damn her. We were broken up not fifteen minutes and she's going steady with Dean Thomas. God damn him too. God damn Harry as well. It appears he knew this was coming. Through the entire fight he just sat there and read Quidditch for Dummies, which, by the way, he is. And then, after we had broken up and Hermione and Dean were a couple he and Finnigan collected a nifty amount of money in bets. Curses. My mum sent me some fudge to make me feel better. It would have made me feel better if she hadn't sent Hermione congratulatory fudge. I think I'm going to go jump in the lake. If I'm lucky the giant squid will eat me. Never mind I just looked out the window and it appears the girlfriend theif and Finnigan are out there. They would probably be happy to see me go under. I would go make fun of Seamus for being gay but it loses the effect when you aren't dating anyone yourself. I think I'll go bug Ginny. Okay bad idea. Ginny is in a foul temper because she thinks Harry thinks she likes him. Why that would put her in a foul temper is beyond me because she does like him. Stupid git. Harry, not Ginny. Although she's a git too. May she marry Neville and have fifty childen.  
  
Ron 


	8. Hermione's back

Sept. 5th  
  
Oh curse that Ronald Weasley! What a miserable wretch, he's been moping around the common room for the past two day just because I got on with my life right away. Oh! The nerve of him! He just came down here, teased Ginny almost to the point of making her cry and wouldn't even look at me. He glared at Harry and Harry glared right back so he went back up to his dorm. Ye gods that boy, what a fool. He's mad at everyone. On a happier note guess what! Well I guess you can't guess anything. If you could a would flush you down Myrtle's toilet. So I'll just tell you, I'm going out with Dean Thomas!!! I know! I'm so happy! After Ron's and my fight he came over and sat with me and we talked and he asked me to be his girlfriend. Right after that Harry and Seamus started collecting bets which I thought was rather rude but oh well. Here comes Ron storming down the stairs again. He's storming out the door. Oh look at that! Harry moves rather quickly doesn't he? I hate when he talks in that low voice. I have no idea what he's saying. Now he's turning around and putting his cloak away. What did Harry do? Inject him with valium? I hope not, that stuff does weird things in places like Hogwarts. Oh no. It appears Ron and Harry want to "talk". This is clearly Harry's idea because Ron has fixed him with a death glare. Well I am going to put you away and do the same. Fix Harry with a death glare, I mean. Actually maybe I won't. I don't want to have anything in common with Ron. 


	9. Dean speaks

September 5  
  
McGonagall says she could care less if I don't like diaries. Damn her. I hope she transforms into a cat and gets swallowed whole by a big black dog with indigestion.  
  
My mum had a heyday when I told her I was dating Hermione. She can't beweeve hew ickow Deanie has a gewfwend. I wrote back and told her that she didn't need to act like that. I have a girlfriend not a baby. Which, of course, freaked her out and now she's on high alert trying to make sure I don't go about knocking Hermione up. Here comes Seamus, he wants to go outside. I told him I'm so glad we have him house trained, if he'll wait just a minute I'll get him a milk-bone. He says I know what he means. I do of course but the world would be so boring if we ran around understanding everybody all the time.  
  
Good-bye, I still don't like you,  
  
Dean 


	10. Harry returns

5 September,  
  
It is 11:00 at night and with much interveneing on my part Hermione and Ron have settled their qualms and Ron is dating Lavender. He is now back to his old habit of calling Seamus gay. What a prat, sometimes I wonder why I bother. Probably because Mrs Weasley sends me thank you fudge every time I clear up a fight with Ron. Probably because she get's less whiny letters when Ron is happy.  
  
It took another three and a half hours to convince Ron that Dean was okay and he should really keep being friends with him. And then of course Hermione felt bad because I wasted my time solving their problems. Sometimes I wish she would feel bad BEFORE I work through the problem. I wish she was more like Neville. Neville will sit there for hours on his own trying to figure out his problems. He never can, of course, but I feel less obligated to help him because he doesn't ask. I always do help him but that's just because I have problems too. Major psychological trauma. I'll ask Professor Sprout. Maybe there's a plant root that cures psychological trauma. I won't ask Madame Pomfrey. She'll probably make me wash bedpans. I should go to sleep before anybody else has a problem for me to deal with. To late, I hear somebody crying. If it doesn't take to long to figure out maybe I'll tell you about it.  
  
Until then,  
  
Harry 


	11. Shame on Seamus

September 5  
  
I created a deceitful web from which the only escape is to sneak into the Slytherin common room. I did a very stupid thing, when we were in potions with the Slytherins I saw Draco Malfoys diary-wait,journal, he's too manly and tough for a diary-sticking out of his pocket so I, of course, stole it. At the end of potions Malfoy reported it missing and Snape began asking around for the whereabouts of the diary-sorry, JOURNAL-which I, of course, did not know so now I must sneak expertly back into the common room and return it. I know the Slytherin password, as well as the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff ones due to my abbundancy of Friends In High Places. (actually Fred and George used to pay me to find out the passwords but now I just do it for myself) So I suppose I'll go do that at three in the morning. I have no idea how I'm going to stay up that long. I'm a twelve hour sleeper. Is that someone crying? God damn if it's Ginny Weasley again Harry can deal with it. 


	12. Halfbaked Ron anyone?

September 9  
  
Something weird is afoot. Something very weird indeed. And it's not Seamus. Well, not just him anyway. It's him and Harry and Angelina Johnson. They wouldn't tell me what was going on but Angelina was crying and Harry and Seamus were trying to comfort her. And then Angelina said that they might as well tell me because I was going to find out anyway and Seamus said not necessarily and Angelina said something like I told you we wouldn't be doing that and Seamus said well it'll be pretty hard to hide it so why not yell it to the world. Then Harry told him to shut up and Angelina said no no it's all good, she was finding Seamus very funny. I went back up to bed, I didn't find it funny, I found it confusing. Not that anyone cares what I think anyway.  
  
In other news, Hermione and Dean and I are friends again. Not that that matters. It's like throwing a match into the air after fireworks. Weather sucks. I'm dating Lavender. Harry collected more money on that one. 


	13. Just 'Mione

September 9,  
  
Not much is going on. I have a bad cold so I'm staying in bed. I don't think I'm going to write anymore. 


	14. Dean Again

Sept 9th  
  
Not much up today. Hermione's got a cold, Seamus stole, broke, fixed, and returned my MagiCopy. Of course he did it for a good cause. Spreading Malfoy's journal entry. It was a pathetic entry but Seamus sid that you could copy somebody's private weather forcast and people would get excited. He's right, of course. He's always right. I think I'm going to be sick too. Everybody seems to be walking around sniveling. I better not tell my mum. She'll burst into the school and demand to see the headmaster. Ye gods.  
  
Dean 


	15. Harry now in widescreen editions

September ninth  
  
As if I don't have enough problems now I have Angelina's. Seamus is helping of course, he had her rolling on the floor laughing. Although that may get harder to do in the coming months. Literally. Haha. Sorry, had to add that. It isn't going to get harder in the coming months because Madam Pomfrey is going to make it all go away. God bless her. Or god damn her, I'm not quite sure which. I'm not even going to try to figure it out. Once we had it figured out and Seamus had finished with my invisibility cloak (I'm not even going to explain) the two of us went back upstairs and I was grumbling and complaining and Seamus looked at me and shook his head and I asked him what and he asked if I wanted it so that no body ever wanted my advice, so that nobody ever informed me of anything. I told him that his philosophy on life made Pollyanna look gloomy but it really made me think. When I help other people with their problems I don't need to think about mine. I thought about what would happen if I told other people my problems. Ron would get confused and trip over his feet. Hermione would start analysing everything and compare my fears with the fears of some character in one of her books and Seamus would think of some ridiculously simple answer that would make me feel worse because I didn't think of it first. Ron pestered me all day Tuesday to tell him what was up with Angelina. We're not telling Fred why would we tell him. I feel kind of bad though. I think I'll go see if he wants to visit Hagrid. 


	16. Seamus tells all

9 September  
  
Want to know how to stay awake until three a.m. so you can return an ugly Slytherin's journal to him? Stumble across.wait, I don't know if I should write this down. Ah hell, I'll put a lock charm on it. Anybody with half a brain can undo a lock charm but at least if somebody finds it and reads it and somebody gets mad a t me I can say that I put a lock charm on it and shouldn't that have protected their secrets? Okay, having sated my guilt I will now right down the answer to the afformentioned riddle. You're in suspense aren't you? You're tingleing with anticipation aren't you? I swear to god if you have the capacity to tingle and you're reading this I will remove your head from your neck. Okay. I'm assuming the only person reading this is me right? Right. Okay. Angelina Johnson is bum bum bum oh screw it. She's pregnant with Fred Weasley's baby and as I'm writing with this Madame Pomfrey is taking care of it. Which basically means that in half an hour she will no longer be pregnant with Fred's baby. Wait! The plot thickens! Okay, I lied, that's basically it. What a pathetic life. I think I'm going to go set a snake loose in the owlery. 


	17. Draco again sigh

September ninth  
  
The Journal Of Draco Malfoy  
  
My journal has been returned to me however I must remember to keep a closer eye on it. The first entry has been copied and distributed, along with editorial comments, all over the school. The insolence of the Ministry, forcing us to write in these journals is pathetic, some sort of sixth-string attempt to control us. I am sure I know the identity of the thief and I will not rest until he is stopped.  
  
Draco Malfoy 


	18. Ron in technicolour

September 21  
  
The common room is under a haze; we wander around in this constant fog. No, I'm not trying to make poetry, Finnigan has taken up smoking. He fancy's it makes him cool or something. Actually that's probably not true, Seamus Finnigan's mind works in funny ways. Really strange ways, and he is most definitely gay. Persphone Hannah, the prettiest witch on this side of the Mediterranean AND a sixth year has decided she fancies him. Well! She asks him to meet her in Hogsmeade this coming Saturday but he just smiled politely and shook his head, leaving her standing in the middle of the corridor. I, of course, tried to comfort her whereupon I was met with a slap across the face from Lavender. Ye gods, she says I'm insensitive.  
  
Ron 


	19. Hemione herself

Sept. 21  
  
Am I the only one sane in this entire establishment? I went to Professor McGonagall to see about getting some O.W.L. practise sheets. I got some for the entire Gryffindor fifth year class. Do you know what they did? They laughed at me. Even Dean. Neville took one but he was the only one. Guess who'll be laughing when they fail their O.W.L.s.  
  
In other news Seamus told Persphone Hannah he didn't want to go out with her. Ron takes this as further evidence that he's gay. I think the fact that Ron dates Lavender is a sign the HE'S gay. I hope he fails miserably on his O.W.Ls.  
  
Hermione 


	20. Dean in the ladies' room

September something-or-another  
  
Wow, I sure am glad that I'm doing this journal thing, it's more fun than you can imagine. And it's not like I would rather be doing something else right now. The only thing worse than this is O.W.L. practise sheets. I told Hermione they were the same sheets we get in class to fill out. She said I didn't understand and left the room. Right in one Hermione, I don't understand. Football I understand. But O.W.L. practise sheets? I guess I should go smooth things over. She's probably sulking in the loo. You wouldn't believe the looks I get when I go bursting in there. 


	21. Harry live barely

Sept. 21  
  
Hermione just doesn't get it. The poor kid, she tries so hard and then she does something foolish like trying to hand out O.W.L practise sheets. Neville took one because he needs it, I took one because I felt sorry for her but she saw right through me. "You're going to go throw this in the waste paper basket aren't you?" I just nodded. I can't lie to Hermione. So I gave the sheet back to her and shrugged. It would have been easier if she had gotten mad or even burst into tears but instead her shoulders just slumped forward and she went and sat in a chair in the far corner of the common room. I didn't go comfort her. She wanted someone else but whoever it was didn't come.  
  
Harry 


	22. Seamus almost saves the world

Sept. 21  
  
So Hermione tried to give us exam prctise sheets. I just laughed in her face and didn't take one. Then she went and sat in the far corner of the common room. She looked so sad I was going to go over there and aske her for one and actually work on it, maybe ask her a couple questions but then Dean went over there and made everything worse and she left the common room in a state. Persphone Hannah asked me out. What a shallow bitch.  
  
Seamus 


	23. Draco fights the system

Sept. 21  
  
I ran into the long molared mudblood in the prefect's bathroom. She was on the floor crying something awful, not her usual thin-pitched wail but actual crying. I was going to do something harsh to rub it in but she saw me and looked up to give me the strangest look. I left without saying anything. I don't know what's wrong with me.  
  
Draco Malfoy 


	24. Hhhheeeerrrre's Ronny!

October 5  
  
Ginny's birthday. She usually gets all keyed-up and excited. Today though, she just moped around the common room because Harry forgot. He snagged some little trinket from Hermione's jewelry box but Ginny recognized it. You have to give the guy some credit, he did wrap the stolen merchandise. Hermione didn't even notice. She's been floating around for the past week or so. I have no idea what's gotten into her. Mayhap valium. Harry says it's pretty strong stuff.  
  
Ron 


	25. Hermione on love

October 5  
  
I ran into Draco again today when he was patrolling the halls. Okay, I didn't exactly run into him, I asked Professor McGonagall to put me on the 2 a.m. shift, the same shift he's on, so I would run into him.  
  
I don't know what it is but every time I see Draco Malfoy my heart just starts racing. I wonder if he feels the same. He hasn't said I mean word to me since that night in the washroom and today on halls he actually nodded at me on my way past. Bliss!  
  
Of course I know I'm dating Dean but still, one can have a crush on another when they're dating someone if they don't actually DO anything about the crush. Can't they? 


	26. DdddDean!

October 5  
  
Hermione has been happy lately but she's still treating me formally, I think she's still mad about the O.W.L. sheets. At least she's learned. She kept the N.E.W.T. sheets to herself.  
  
Dean 


	27. Harry, horrified

October 6  
  
I cornered Hermione in the common room when she got back from her hall duties. Something was up, she's been floating around on cloud nine for the past week or so (I know it sounds callous to get suspicious when someone is happy but you don't know Hermione) and she got her halls schedule changed so that she's on Malfoy's shift instead of mine. I thought maybe she was mad at me for some reason but it turns out that Hermione has herself a crush on Malfoy. I tried to talk her out of it, I reminded her of all the horrible things he's done but she just looked at me and said "People change Harry, you should know that." I then reminded her that under British law I was quite sure that Malfoy didn't qualify as a person. She countered with "We're in Scotland now Harry." I ran out of convincing arguments before she did and she skipped off to the library. May Malfoy fall form the highest point in Scotland. May he die slowly as well. Actually may he fall from the highest point in Scotland and require that his legs, arms and eyes be removed. I don't know why his eyes, they just seem like good targets. 


	28. ShshshSeamus, shshshshivering

October 5  
  
Curses, what a cold day, why did I want to be on the Quidditch team anyway? They didn't really need a Keeper. I'm going to go warm my hands by the fire before my fingers break of and shatter into tiny splinters. 


	29. Draco, naturally

October 5  
  
I don't know what's going on with me. Every time Granger passes me on the night shift my heart stps and I can't think of anything horrible to say to her. The trouble is even if I could think of something I couldn't bring myself to say it.  
  
Draco Malfoy 


	30. Weasley, Ron Weasley

October 16  
  
Hermione has been having a two day staring contest with Finnigan. Maybe he knows her secret. I wish I did. As much as I hate to admit it I miss her, I don't miss her as a girlfriend, I think everyone knew that was bound for disaster. No, I miss her as a friend, she's hardly been around for the past couple of weeks. She darts off to the library first thing in the morning and the only time I see or talk to her is in class unless I wait up till her hall shift is over to talk to her and Lavender gets suspicious. 


	31. Hermione on hatred

October 16  
  
Stupid Seamus! God I hate him, I don't have time to write. I'm too busy hating him.  
  
Hermione 


	32. Dean Just Dean

October 16  
  
Seamus wants me to break up with Hermione, he won't tell me why so I won't do it. But at the same time I wonder, Seamus wouldn't ask me to do something without a reason. I'm kind of worried. Maybe I'll go talk to him. 


	33. Harry

October 16  
  
Just finished comparing notes with Seamus. He's right to tell Dean to break up with Hermione but I think he's going about it the wrong way. Oh well, Ron and I are going to go visit Hagrid. He thinks I've been neglecting him. Ron, not Hagrid.  
  
Harry 


	34. Seamus has values sort of

October 16  
  
So there I was, doing my prefectious duty, monitering the halls, confiscating candy, you know, the usual and what do I stumble across? Hermione and Malfoy-snogging! After I figured out who it was I bolted faster than Malfoy. I was going to go tell Dean but Hermione caught up with me. She begged me not to tell him and we exchanged some profanity. (actually I offered the profanity, Hermione just cried) then she told me that he wouldn't believe me and she would tell him herself. Which she hasn't yet. According to Harry she's to busy hating me to do anything. She wasn't too busy to go to the library where I presume she met up with the blond beast. Curse her for the position she's put me in. If she doesn't tell Dean by Friday I will. 


	35. Draco, uncensored

October 16  
  
I have procured some money to bribe Seamus Finnigan, which is the very last thing I want to do because it will 1) mean admitting that I was kissing Hermione Granger in the halls and 2) admitting that I would rather pay a Gryffindor than have them beat up.  
  
I have sent an owl to Mother telling her what I've done. She, of course, is over-joyed. Mother was a Gryffindor herself. She's sent owls to all her family and they have replied by sending me owls of their own, filled, of course, with money, hints on how to break it to my father and statements telling me to ask Dumbledore to have me re-sorted.  
  
I, however, returned the money with thanks. I have enough cash of my own that Father cannot touch. I also do not plan on telling him, I will not be going home this Christmas though. Or this summer. I doubt I will return home ever again. And I will not have Dumbledore re-sort me. The fact that I like a Gryffindor, the fact that I no longer wish each one of them malice means nothing to the house I am in. I am a Slytherin, cunning and sharp. My social tendencies have nothing on my actual nature.  
  
Draco Malfoy 


	36. Ron, shocked

October 29  
  
Holy christ. It's the talk of the town. Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger. Couple. Christ. Holy bloody christ, there is no words to describe my shock, everyone's shock actually. It took a couple days for everyone to get used to it. Draco's dad sent him a Howler. I sent Hermione a Howler. Actually everyone's still getting used to it. After a couple fights Malfoy proved that he isn't nothing without Crabbe and Goyle. At least with a wand, Madame Pomfrey had to fix his arm more than once when it got down to fists but everything is pretty well back to normal now. I guess. Christ, I don't know what's scarier, Malfoy kissing Hermione or Malfoy having a truce with all the Gryffindors. I think I'm going to bug Seamus about being gay. Haven't done that in a while.  
  
Ron 


	37. Hermione on love again

October 29  
  
Well, it's out. I thought it would be worse somehow. I suppose we handled it as well as we could. I managed to convince Draco to come into the Gryffindor common room yesterday to make peace. Everyone just kind of stood there and then Harry went and shook his hand and the rest followed. I guess they didn't want Harry to think they were insulting him by making peace with a Slytherin. Dean was really mad until Parvati asked him out. He's had a crush on her since first year. Gross. Well I better go meet Draco.  
  
Hermione 


	38. Dean, on selfpity

October 29  
  
So Hermione broke up with me for Draco Malfoy. If that isn't insulting enough Seamus knew. He knew and he didn't tell me. He said he wanted to explain but I wouldn't listen to him. He just shrugged and lit a cigarette. What a filthy habit. Actually I do it too but it's still a filthy habit. Here comes Harry now, he probably wants me to make peace with Seamus. Well I won't. Besides, he doesn't want me to make peace because he likes us and wants us to go back to being happy friends. He wants me to make peace because he's sick and tired of listening to Seamus. I think I'll tell him that I have to go somewhere with Parvati.  
  
Dean 


	39. Just Harry

October 29  
  
So it all unfolds. I managed to get Dean and Seamus back to being friends but I had to hold my wand to the back of Seamus' head to do it. And now everyone is darting me funny looks when I talk to Hermione. It's like they expect me to start frothing at the mouth and jump at her throat because she's dating Malfoy. Actually they all seem to expect me to jump at their throats too, because they made peace with Malfoy. Everyone except for Ron. Even Hagrid was acting all cold and distant towards Hermione until I told him it was okay. It was too late though. Hermione left. God damn everyone. I have enough on my mind without their petty fights.  
  
Harry 


	40. Of curses, noses and the biting of tongu...

October 29  
  
So everything is cool with me and Dean now. Ha. If I didn't feel sorry for Harry I would have shoved my wand up Dean's nose and done that new hex we learned in charms. He's more angry at me than at Hermione. I wasn't banging Malfoy in the astronomy tower when I was dating Dean but somehow I'm the more dangerous criminal. I hope Parvati bites his tongue off when he kisses her good night.  
  
Seamus 


	41. just another entry

October 29  
  
My father found out, as I knew he would. He sent me a Howler that denounced me as his son. But that's alright. I have never been his son, only his tool. The best Lucius has ever done is being proud of me. Of course it could have been worse. He could have found out that I have Mothers blessing. He hits her hard enough when he isn't mad at her.  
  
Draco Malfoy 


	42. Drunkenly yours,

November 1  
  
Wow. Last night was wild. Absolutely unbelievable. After the school Halloween party yesterday me, Harry, Hermione, Malfoy, Seamus, Dean, Lavender, Parvati, Ernie MacMillan, Hannah Abbot, Justin Finch-Fletchley and Susan Bones went out onto an area of the grounds that can't be seen from the school windows and had a party of our own. Parvati and Dean had a fight (go figure) and she left early. Harry managed to get a hold of something rather strong to drink and the only one to get caught was Susan and even if she'd wanted to tell on us she was too drunk to remember our names. She managed to weasel her way out of it anyway. She convinced Prof. Sprout she had a bit of a fever and she was sick and Sprout let her off. Fun, fun, fun. Unless you talk to Hermione. She has a hangover. 


	43. Hermione on headaches

November 1  
  
That is the absolute last time I drink. I have never had such a bad headache. I can barely concentrate to write. I think Seamus might have left with Hannah Abbot. It might have just been lawn gnomes. Are there lawn gnomes at Hogwarts? I'll have to check my books. 


	44. Dean on the morning after

November 1  
  
If I wsn't so shocked I that I was hanging out with Malfoy I might have been shocked to see Seamus talking (and slipping quietly away) with Hannah Abbot. The party was amazing. Good thing I didn't get caught. Professor Sprout already hates me. She says the smoke in my robes is bad for her plants. Screw that.  
  
Dean 


	45. It's Harry who'd you expect?

November 1  
  
So Seamus is dating Hannah Abbot. I better not tell Ron. It'll shake the foundation on which he has staked his life. That or he'll start rumours that Hannah is a man. Other than that hook-up nothing much happened. Dean and Parvati broke up. Parvati is huddled in a corner crying but I think Dean forgot he was dating her in the first place. My scar hurt this morning.  
  
Harry 


	46. Confirmation of rumours

Nov. 1  
  
So, I'm going out with Hannah now. It's kind of funny actually, we had this party and Hannah sidles up next to me and asks if I'm really gay. I, of course, said yes, yes I was and then she kissed me and asked if I was still gay. I told her that after that I definitely wasn't and we left the party early to go "talk". Hannah's nice, I hope this works out, it's too bad we left early though. Hermione is funny when she's drunk.  
  
Seamus 


	47. Ass's milk anyone?

Nov. 1  
  
So the big news in the Gryffindor common room (where I'm spending most of my time) is the new relationship between Hannah Abbot and Seamus Finnigan. Most people are surprised, Ron Weasley is just sitting there staring at Seamus like he's going to suddenly burst out of his skin. Seamus is looking at him like he thinks Ron is insane, which he probably is. The funny thing is, I never really believed Seamus was gay. He just let comments like that roll off of him. Most gay people would either pick a fight with the accuser or say yeah? So? But Finnigan would just smile indulgently in the "oh-well-aren't-you-sweet" way that shop keepers use when you ask them for a bottle of Irish whiskey. I used to hate that look because it made me feel two feet high. Actually I still hate that look. Mrs Goyle gave it to me on Thursday when she came to help Gregory with his speech lesson. She still thinks I'm under the Imperious curse. May she fall off the white cliffs of Dover and be trampled to death by a donkey.  
  
Draco Malfoy 


	48. Ron, congenially

November 15  
  
I swear I will kill Fred. What a menace. He found out that I've been fooling around with Lavender and he's onto it like a dog in heat. What a retard, he's threatened to tell mum, so far I've managed to keep him at bay. George could care less, after seven years Katie Bell has started to show some interest in him. He's on cloud nine. Dean started dating Parvati again so now Harry is the only unattached male in Gryffindor fifth year. Hermione is itching to set him up with somebody. Fat chance, Harry won't date anyone for fear of putting them into danger.  
  
Later, Ron 


	49. You're sure you won't go out with her?

November 15  
  
God, I could kill Harry right now. He could have any girl he wants. Any girl, even Cho Chang. And what does he do? Sits alone in the common room helping Neville with his homework. Neville even has a girlfriend! And here's Harry, handsome, smart and sweet, also girlfriendless. I could just shoot him. If I wasn't going out with Draco I would snatch him up in a minute. I tried to set him up with Susan Bones but she's much too shy and Harry is much too noble. Bah! There he is again, I'm going to go tell him Susan wants to meet him by the lake. It didn't work yesterday and it won't work today, I'm just bored. Hermione 


	50. The diary doesn't help

November 15  
  
I haven't told you I hate you recently. Well I do. You are a miserable, good for nothing piece of junk. If you told me anything about myself you would have told me I'm bad at picking girlfriends, but you didn't tell me that, you didn't tell me anything about myself and now the second girlfriend I've had in my life has cheated on me and left me standing in the dust with her sister. Here's the thing, Padma has this boyfriend from Beauxbatons or whatever the hell you call it and he came to visit her in the summer. Well Parvati decided she wanted him so she started flirting like mad with him and he started sending her owls at school, but he also sent owls to Padma. So Parvati was cheating on me with her sisters boyfriend. I guess I'm going out with Padma now, but I think I'm rebound for her. Oh well, it hurts less. Dean 


	51. Would you people leave me alone?

November 15  
  
I am sick and tired of listening to Hermione tell me I need to go on a date. I would like to but not until Voldemort falls. She wants me to go out with Susan Bones. Susan is very nice and very sweet and I wouldn't doubt if I could spend the rest of my life with her but really, her family is already in danger and we have to meet in secret. We both agree we should wait until Voldemort is killed to even consider dating each other, why can't Hermione see that? Harry 


	52. Come see the softer side of Seamus

November 15  
  
Lalalalalala. I am on cloud nine. Hannah is the absolute coolest person, she's so funny and incredibly nice. She's also very pretty but if that was all I cared about I would have gone out with Persphone. The only thing that's making me feel bad is that Harry is looking at me with so much envy it's sad. I should go comfort him. Ron isn't showing any sign of getting off his ass. Lately it's felt like I'm more of a friend to Harry than Ron is, I know that's probably blasphemous, what with Harry being God around here and me being a mere prophet. I don't know which way is up anymore, I just float around. I just looked at this entry and it's very depressing, I think I will go talk to Harry, seeing as I'm already in a down state. Maybe he wants to go play Quidditch.  
  
Seamus 


	53. How to treat a former comrade

November 15  
  
I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do for Christmas, I'll stay here I guess, although summer is a tougher deal. Perhaps I can go stay with my mother's mother, I've never met her before but she seems pleasant enough. I don't like staying in Slytherin dungeon anymore, it's dangerous for me and I need to sleep with one eye open. Luckily Dumbledore understands and permits me to eat at the table with the Gryffindors. Professor Sanpe has been eyeing me strangely, like he doesn't know how to behave around me. If he treats me horribly he'll be accused by everyone else for still being a death-eater, but if he treats me the same as always the Slytherins will call him a traitor and he might lose his position as head of the house. He finds it easier to simply avoid looking and talking to me except when necessary. I don't know how I feel about this.  
  
Draco Malfoy 


	54. Something short

November 25  
  
Harry's in the hospital wing, his scar hurt him something awful, Seamus found him, I'm not entirely sure what happened. We told Hermione and the other girls he had a touch of the flu. I should go visit him, after charms. Ron 


	55. Christmas plans already

November 25  
  
Harry has been in the hospital wing with the flu for three days. I don't know why Madame Pomfrey doesn't just give him Flishvamine potion and fix him. I got an owl from mum and daddy today, they said that Draco could come stay with us for the holidays. They made a big production about how he could have the guest bedroom downstairs. They seem to think that if he's on a different floor temptation to go "visit" him will be subdues. Pooh to that. Hermione 


	56. Here we are

November 25  
  
Harry has the "flu." Seamus found him and I know for a fact that he doesn't have the flu. Finny was pretty shaken up, said it was awful. They won't let us visit him, Harry I mean. They let Ron in, and Seamus, but Seamus won't say a word and Ron hasn't gone yet. I'm freaked out. Dean 


	57. When you lose your mind

November 25  
  
When you lose your mind where does it go? Will it come back? When it does is it changed? Does it learn things, go places without you? Will it miss you? I know I miss it. How far will it go? When will it come back? If it does will it want to stay in this body? This messed up, fucked up, ruined body? Will it want to stay in this body that's wanted by everyone in the world? Or will it just leave and keep running, running forever, never looking back? My guess is that it won't come back. That's alright. I don't need it, I'm going to jump out the window anyway. Harry 


	58. Where does it go?

November 25  
  
Christ. Jesus frigging Christ. I was sitting in the common room with Harry and he went to the dormitories early because his scar was hurting him something awful. So I said okay, goodnight, I'll be up there shortly. I went up about an hour later and he had ripped the skin on his forehead, all around his scar right off. He wasn't wearing a shirt and his skin was ripped and shreaded, I don't think he knew what he was doing, his eyes were glazed and he had a look like a trapped animal. I wrapped him up and carried him downstairs. It wasn't hard, he's lost so much weight lately. I wonder why in hell I didn't notice it before. I took him to the hospital wing and told everyone he had the flu. I went to visit him at around nine o'clock and he was standing at the window. He wanted to know if it was high enough. He thought it was but he wasn't sure. He didn't want to jump out of the other window because there were some first years standing underneath it. His eyes had that glazed look and I carried him back to his bed. I've been sitting here since then. He woke up about half an hour ago and he seemed perfectly sane. He was scared, he didn't know what he had done to himself. Dumbledore won't let him leave the school. He wants him to stay here and continue like nothing is the matter. For the first time in my life I think that he's wrong. Bleedin' Christ. When you lose your mind where does it go? 


	59. Can guilt eat you alive?

November 25  
  
Harry doesn't have the flu. Voldemort is in the school. Past tense. Voldemort was in the school. I've known since last June. I don't know why they went on without me, they knew they couldn't pull it off without me to help them. That's why I didn't tell anyone. I didn't count on Harry going crazy. If I had known I would have told but I didn't know. I didn't think they would actually get him into the school but they did, the problem was I wasn't there with Floo Powder to transport him into Gryffindor tower and they ran out of time. No doubt Lucius will pay for his mistake. No doubt my mother will pay for his mistake as well. I can't even take the same name as him anymore. I am ashamed of it, and of myself. Can guilt actually eat you alive? Or does it just offer cutlery and a serviette?  
  
Draco 


	60. Maybe not such a loyal comrade

December 1  
  
Harry's back in class, everything is back to normal. I never did go visit him, I probably should have. Seamus was up there all the time anyway. Harry isn't looking at me though, he actually isn't looking at anyone. Seamus went over there a couple of minutes ago and they had a row. Seamus gave him one of those looks, you know the type you give to people who need help and won't take it. I think there's something seriously wrong. In other news Fudge disappeared. Some people say he was kidnapped. I think the pressure just got to be too much and he just bailed. Dad is in the running to become Minister, he's up against Mad-Eye Moody, who doesn't have a chance and doesn't want to be Minister anyway.  
  
Ron 


	61. Untrustworthy intentions?

December 1  
  
Harry's back, apparently Madame Pomfrey had to send out for proper flu potion. Whenever I complain to Draco aboutt his he just shakes his head sadly, but I don't think he's sad that Madame Pomfrey had to send out for medication, I think he knows something I don't.  
  
There are elections today to vote for the new Minister for Magic, I hope Mr Weasley gets it, he deserves it. Oh Seamus! What on Earth are you doing now? He's having a row with Harry and now Harry is storming out and he's following him. God, he just makes everything worse.  
  
Hermione 


	62. Who's fault?

December 1  
  
I complained to Seamus the other day that he doesn't spend enough time with me and he got this surprised look and I realized it wasn't his fault, it was mine. I've been spending every waking minute with Padma, talking about everything. And Seamus has been spending time with Harry, who is really screwed up by the way. The two of them just stormed out of the common room. Actually Harry stormed and Seamus rolled his eyes and followed him. Weird.  
  
Dean 


	63. Where now?

December 1  
  
I hate Seamus. I hate him because he thinks I'm sick. I hate him because he's right. He sits in the common room and watches me, like he doesn't trust me not to stick my head in the fire place. And the other night, I went to the window, I wasn't going to jump or anything, I think I'm over that, so Iw ent over there just to look out the window and there he is, sitting there, like he had been waiting for me. I was so mad I kicked him. I was wearing heavy boots (just in case I have to run somewhere) and it must have hurt, but he just sat there and looked at me and I couldn't kick him again. I felt like such an idiot. He wants me to go see McGonagall (he doesn't seem to trust Dumbledore much) he thinks I need help, just to get away from the school. I stormed out of the comon room, usually when I do that he doesn't bother me, he just lets me go and lurks in the corner somewhere watching me. But today he followed me right outand held me at arms length while I swung at him like a moron. Then I got exhausted and collapsed. I'm so messed up.  
  
Harry 


	64. Only fifteen

December 1  
  
Do you really lose your mind? Or does your mind stay somewhere and your body leaves? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I don't think Harry's lost his mind, I think it's waiting for him somewhere, he just has to find it. And I don't think he's going to find it in Hogwarts. So I went to McGonagall, she has a soft spot for Harry I think. I told her he needed to get away from the school and she agreed but she said he couldn't go alone, so here I am, on the Hogwarts express, going to Godric's Hollow, a place I've never been, a place that I have no recollection of. Harry is sleeping, he's been sleeping almost the entire trip, except for at the beginning when he wrote in his journal. He got up once, actually and saw me sitting in fron of the door. He told me that he wasn't going to jump out of the train. I know he won't. I think that part is over but I have orders. Christ, I'm only fifteen.  
  
Seamus 


	65. How long do you have to be lost?

December 1  
  
How lost do you have to be before they send people to look for you? I read an article in a Muggle newspaper that said police wait twenty-four hours. They've gone looking for Harry. But he's pretty important, I guess. I slit my wrists once. I just wanted to see what Lucius would do, I didn't really want to die. But he just looked at me and said that I could be replaced. I don't know why I didn't get it right then, but I didn't. I didn't get it until now. I'm such an idiot. Mother never got it either. She didn't get it until it was too late and her family had disowned her. And now she can't go back. I can't go back to what I was but that's alright, I don't want to. But I can't stay here either. Hermione ants me to spend Christmas at her house, but that seems like a cop-out somehow, I don't think that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm going to stay here for Christmas, maybe I'll figure it out in time.  
  
Draco 


	66. Did the little lost sheep really come ho...

December 10  
  
Harry and Seamus have been gone 10 days now. My dad got the top spot in the Ministry but it still seems pretty week compared to Harry being gone. I don't know what's going on, where they are or what, and dad won't tell me. Damn. Even if I haven't been paying that much attention to Harry lately he was still my best friend. I think I'll go ask McGonagall.  
  
Ron 


	67. Hermione cares really

December 10  
  
I am so mad a t Draco! I went through all this trouble to invite him for Christmas and he wants to stay here. Oh well, I guess he has his reasons, like Harry had his reasons for leaving.  
  
Mr Weasley got the top job! I'm so excited! I'm going to have to see if he'll take me to work with him one day.  
  
Hermione 


	68. Another problem? Dean can't fix it!

December 10  
  
I am so mad a t Draco! I went through all this trouble to invite him for Christmas and he wants to stay here. Oh well, I guess he has his reasons, like Harry had his reasons for leaving.  
  
Mr Weasley got the top job! I'm so excited! I'm going to have to see if he'll take me to work with him one day.  
  
Hermione 


	69. You find your mind in the most unexpecte...

December 10  
  
I've been here at Godrics Hollow for nine days. Seamus and I are staying in a small house by ourselves, apparently the house is on the property thet my house once stood on. Lupin and Sirius came by on the first day we were here and brought a box full of stuff that hadn't been destroyed, some of my mum's diaries were in them. Seamus doesn't say anything to me, but I'm glad he's here. If I was by myself I wouldn't sleep and I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't find the time. But Seamus just sits there in his horrible big work boots and his weird tweed scally cap and reads the newspaper or does homework. He gets up sometimes and goes for a walk or he makes something to eat and brings it up to me in the attic. I think I'm almost ready to go back. Almost. Not quite.  
  
Harry 


	70. Breaking strain

December 10  
  
So I've been here in Godric's Hollow for over a week. I feel like a mum. A very bad mum, but a mum nonetheless. At least I'm not running around Hogwarts like a flaming idiot. Harry says he's pretty well ready to go home, I guess I'll be back at Hogwarts soon enough. Good, I miss Hannah. That's weird, I never miss anybody. I remember in first year, I could here Neville and Dean and Ron crying into their pillows and I felt bad because I didn't miss my mum, and I didn't miss my dad and I didn't miss Ballyford or my cousins in Londonderry.  
  
I've always adapted to whatever I had to adapt to I guess. Like when we moved from Belfast, I just slipped into life in Ballyford because that was what I needed to do. I guess that's what Harry did, he just adapted and one day it got to be too much. Breaking strain. My granda' told me about breaking strain. I suppose I'll meet mine one day but I hope it won't be so bad. I haven't had to adapt to so much. Breaking strain. It sounds strange when you talk about it in relation to a human. Breaking strain. What's mine?  
  
Seamus 


	71. If you stay somewhere long enough will y...

December 10  
  
Hermione's mad at me because I'm not going home with her. Oh well. She's right to be angry I guess, she went through a lot of trouble to convince her parents to let me stay. I just can't go, there has to be some sort of "higher calling" or something, somewhere else I need to go. Maybe I just need to stay here and figure things out. That's probably it. Harry left to figure things out but I don't need to leave, I need to stay here. Later,  
  
Draco 


	72. Happy Christmas

December 25  
  
Christmas day. I've never got so many presents in my life, we can afford them now, I guess. But somehow they don't mean as much when you know that someone hasn't had towork just a little bit harder so you could have them. Harry came back to Hogwarts on the thirteenth, Mum wanted him to come home for Christmas but Dumbledore said no. I wanted to stay with him but my mum said no. Funny world isn't it? Hermione came though, she barely said a word to me though. She just wanted Dad to take her to work. Oh well. Joyeux Noel or whatever.  
  
Ron 


	73. Work? At Christmas?

December 25  
  
Ooo! I'm so excited! Mr Weasley promised to take me to work with him before I go back to school! It was an amazing gift. Harry came back to school on the thirtenth, he seemed, refreshed, somehow. He's staying at Hogwarts for Christmas. The only other people staying are Angelina Johnson and Seamus. I hope he has a good time, I know I am. Even without Draco.  
  
Feliz Navidad,  
  
Hermione 


	74. Buon Natale

December 25  
  
God I love Christmas. Best time of the year. I got back to London on the twentieth and Mum came to pick me up, all of my family was there, every last one of them. We opened gifts this morning, it was amazing. God I love Christmas.  
  
Buon Natale,  
  
Dean 


	75. So this is Christmas

December 25  
  
Stupid Dumbledore. Is that sacrilige? I hope not, I really don't want to be sacriligious on Christmas. But really, he won't let me go to the Weasleys so Seamus is stuck here with me and Angelina Johnson who has severe problems. Seamus won't let me within three metres of her because he says he doesn't want to spend next Christmas at Hogwarts while I recover from "finding myself." He's actually being very nice about this entire thing. Oh well, Christmas Alegre,  
  
Harry 


	76. Who mucks the reindeer stalls?

December 25  
  
I am a self-proclaimed atheist. That doesn't keep me from falling in a load of Christmas crap. First of all I'm stuck at Hogwarts. Big deal, I'll live, Harry's here, he's the reason I have to stay. So Angelina is here too, you remember she went to get rid of her baby? Well, she chickened out, couldn't do it, so she wrote her parents a couple of days ago and they sent her all of her stuff and told her she could find a new place to keep it. So she tells Fred that she's pregnant with his baby and he says well I can't afford to raise a baby, can you wait until I have a business established? And Angelina says screw that, no way I can wait on my own that long, I have myself to take care of and a baby. And Fred says, look, Angelina, you know I'm not mature enough to take care of a baby, I would like to but lets keep it real here, I can barely take care of myslef, which, at least he's honest. So Angelina talks to Mrs Weasley. Well Mrs Weasley says of course she can move in with them, but lets face the facts, they've been poor so many years and even with the ministry job they have Percy and Penelope's wedding coming up and they have six other kids. So Angelina says she'll look somewhere else where she won't be such a burden. That's where I get landed. She won't be a burden at home in Ballyford, so says my mother. My father, always wise says, whatever girl Seamus knocked up can stay here but Seamus can get himself a new place. Isn't he generous? But my mum says that this girl is just a friend of mine and I never slept with her, she hopes. So, Angelina is going to my house to have her baby. Wonder of frigging wonders. What a life.  
  
Frohe Weihnachten,  
  
Seamus 


	77. A pear? Or freedom? Choices, choices

December 25  
  
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me.? I heard that song several times throughout my youth, always the true love gave a partridge in a pear tree, but what if the true love had given something else? A chance to be free, it rhymes, and I would prefer that to a partidge. Hermione gave me a chance to go with her, but when I said I didn't want to be she accepted that. Did she let me have my freedom? Or does she just prefer Ron's company to my own? Actually I never considered that possibility and I'm not considering it now but still, why didn't she put up more of a fuss? I'm sounding anal and crotchety I know, but have you ever wondered if perhaps when someone does something nice to you they weren't actually meaning to be nice to you? That it just turned out that way? No, of course not. I'm the only one around here who needs intense therapy.  
  
Happy Christmas,  
  
Draco 


	78. Delayed Christmas gift

January 7  
  
Whoo-hoo! Yes! Yes! Yes! My ultimate wish has just been granted! I am on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. The way it happened is this, Angelina Johnson has gone on an exchange program to the American Academy of Witchcraft or some other place equally unappealing and horrible and her spot on the Quidditch team was left open. Harry, who was voted captain at the beginning of the year, used his good word to get me on the team instead of Ginny. Can you believe it? They wanted Ginny instead of me. I swear I would have shot her in the head.I know that sounds appalling but really, Ginny? She can't even catch the flu.  
  
Ron 


	79. Something is not right

January 7  
  
Christmas is over and I'm back at school. I usually enjoy coming back to school but not this time, I don't know what it is but it doesn't feel right. I know I sound ridiculous but it's true. Something is not right.  
  
Hermione 


	80. Old habits die hard

January 7  
  
This is stupid. I'm not writing anymore today.  
  
Dean 


	81. Of dire importance

January 7  
  
I have--- Whoops, time for Charms, sorry, Charms are more important than my inner self.  
  
Harry 


	82. Dirt

January 17  
  
What kind of secrets do other people have? Big secrets? Or small ones? My secret is big. It's not really my secret, it's the family secret, the family shame. We hold our heads high, we smile and we keep it a secret. Nobody else needs to know. Not even this paper but I'll tell anyways, because secrets can be burdens. I have a brother. No kidding Ron, you're thinking, you have five of them. No, I have another brother. An eighth child that was given up for adoption at birth. An eighth child, a half- brother. Son of Molly Weasley and Amos Diggory. Can you smell scandal? I know I can. And it smells appalling. Like dirt. That's what it is. Dirt. We've got the Dirt on Molly Weasley. Have you? In an upcoming issue of Dirt magazine we have all the Dirt on the Weasley family, and for the low, low price of four Galleons you can have it too. Dirt. It even looks bad.  
  
Ron 


	83. Gossip

January 17  
  
Secrets. Some people share secrets with their girl friends but then they aren't really secrets. Then they become something less. They don't mean anything when they're shared. They become gossip. That's why I keep my secret. Because gossip hurts. Mine is not the kind of secret you share, it is the kind of secret that eventually gets out. It starts with rumours and then it starts to rage and it becomes Gossip. Gossip with a capital G. Gossip. But I'm not the kind of girl people start rumours about. I am not the kind of girl who gets pregnant in her fifth year of school. So people will not Gossip and my secret is safe. As long as there is no evidence, no proof my secret is safe. No one will talk. I am not the kind of girl who is surrounded by Gossip.  
  
Hermione 


	84. Tame

January 17  
  
Everybody has to have at least one secret. Something that only they know, as long as you have one secret you can retain your identity. My secret? It's nothing really, nothing big. I'm not trafficking drugs and I haven't been tapping into Interpol files. No, my secret is relatively tame. I drink my coffee with cream and sugar. It seems very boring but it's my secret, something that I can keep to myself. It's simple, but it's what they don't know.  
  
Harry 


	85. Block

January 17  
  
Secrets are meant to be kept. That's why they're secret. But then why do they even exist if only to be saved? Can you keep a secret? My cousin Anni asked me that once and I said yes, so she told me her secret and I told everyone what it was. And then she yelled at me. I can keep a secret but once it's told it isn't a secret anymore. When one person knows it's common knowledge. I have secrets under my skin but they don't need to be told. Nothing needs to be told.  
  
Seamus 


	86. Tell

January 17  
  
I have a secret. Promise not to tell? Okay, I'll tell you, but never tell anyone else, okay? Okay.  
  
I hate my mother. I hate her because she only sees what she wants to see and what she wants to see is never the truth. My mother isn't really a person, she's a puppet, a doll. That's my secret, what's yours?  
  
Draco 


	87. Washing the dirt

February 1  
  
Everybody makes mistkes. Mine was writing my secret in this book. So now I'll try to right my wrong by explaining. Don't blame my Mum. Even though I do.  
  
Eight years back my family was in thw worst debt the had ever been in. All of the kids were still at home, none of them were making livings, four of them were still in school, so my mother went to Amos Diggory, then manager of London Wizards Trust&Savings, to ask for help. I don't know what happened after that except Mum got her money and nine months later a baby boy was born. We gave the baby up and we have no idea where he is or what his name is or if he's still around.  
  
My secret, my shame  
  
Ron 


	88. Clearing things up

February 1  
  
Everybody has to slip up once and a while. Right? Right. But they shouldn't slip up as bad as I did. I wasn't even dating him. He wasn't even in school anymore!  
  
My summer by Hermione Granger.  
  
This summer I went to Madrid and watched a Quidditch game between the Spanish Salvador's and Puddlemere United. I then proceeded to sleep with the Reserve Keeper for the Puddlemere team. Three months later I aborted his baby. And that's what happened on my summer vacation.  
  
Hermione Granger 


	89. Revelation

February 1  
  
You may wonder how I have kept such a stupid secret secret for so long. It was easy, you just never tell anyone. Some people would do well to remember that. To keep a secret you can't tell anyone.  
  
Duh,  
  
Harry 


	90. Scam

February 1  
  
So we've got a theme now? Last week we told our secrets and this week we explain and beg forgivness? Sorry, a magician never reveals his tricks, and I am a magician. I can disappear and reappear with the subtle snap of your fingers, I can be there or I can be here but I never tell my secrets. People assume that if you talk and talk and never say anything that you're simple. But it's actually a Scam, a secret cover-up that Scotland Yard can't even figure out. It's a Scam. Hide your credit card and don't give out your PIN number. Remember to stay out of dark alleys and side streets. Don't buy dugs from shady dealers and look both ways before you cross the street because we have a Scam going on. Scam. It looks weird, like some sort of processed meat. Scam.  
  
Weird  
  
Seamus 


	91. Let it out

Would you believe it if I told you? If I told that the sky was grey would you listen? No. You would listen but you wouldn't hear. You can look but you never see and you talk but you never say anything at all. Never. That's why I hate you, because you look at the bruises but you don't see them, you listen to the blood rushing in your ears but you don't hear it. And you say stop but you never mean it, you never say anything that means anything. You talk with your mouth closed. And one day you'll fall with out being pushed.  
  
Draco 


	92. Arrow

February 14  
  
St. Valentines Day. Love is in the air. For everyone except for me. What a pathetic life. Lavender broke up with me because, quote unquote, we never do anything. What can you do in a boarding school where they let you into the world one Saturday a month? Clearly she was just getting bored of me. I admit, I am a dull person. I have no fashion sense, even with money to buy clothes, I'm not some kind of super-genius and I'm not good-looking. It's upsetting actually. I sit with Seamus and Hermione and Harry in the common room and Hermione is a genius, in fact the only thing smarter than her is Harry's dress sense. And Seamus? Let's just say he's the best looking guy who's ever gone through Hogwarts. And then we have Ron. Dull, plain, stupid, poorly dressed Ron. This is depressing. I need something to do. Oh look, there's Ginny. And she's wearing pigtails. Does she purposely set herself up like that?  
  
Ron 


	93. Heart

February fourteenth, Valentines Day  
  
I love Valentines Day! I used to hate it because I was such a geek. This year is the first year I've had a boyfriend at Valentines and I must admit, it's an experience. I used to sit alone at Valentines and look up the origins of the holiday. No wonder I had no friends.  
  
Well I have to run,  
  
Hermione 


	94. Flu

Feb 1_  
  
I can't remember what day it is, it's February sometime but Madame Pmfrey won't tell me. She acts like I had some devastating disease instead of the flu. She really knows how to depress a guy.  
  
Dean 


	95. Not like me

February 14  
  
Ah, Valentine's Day. The most coveted of all holidays, it is not religious, nor is it instituted by the government. No, Valentine's Day is a day for the people. The people who have a love of their lives, the people who have someone to give their roses and their cards to. People not like me. People like Seamus and Hermione. People like Hannah Abbot and people like Ernie MacMillan. There seems to be way more couples on Valentine's Day than on any other day of the year. And those of us with no girlfriend or boyfriend (i.e. Ron, me, Justin Finch-Fletchley,) sit and pick listlessly at our food and pretend that we don't care, all the while we shoot glances at the people we wish we were and the people we wish we could be with when we're them.  
  
Harry 


	96. Bliss

February 14  
  
And we converge in a meeting to decide why in hell we are running around getting hot and bothered because it's the feast day of some dead saint. I don't celebrate the "birth of our Lord" I don't celebrate the "resurrection of out Lord" and I sure as hell am not going to celebrate the deathday of some ancient Roman priest. Now, I had a big speel that I was going to tell Hannah, explaining my lack of cultural involvement. Turns out she feels the same way.  
  
Bliss,  
  
Seamus 


	97. And to think

February 14  
  
So I have discovered my first short-coming as a boyfriend. I don't see the point in Valentines Day. However, intelligently enough I did NOT tell this to Hermione who would have killed me the same way as the saint was killed.  
  
I don't celebrate anything, truthfully enough. Like Seamus, with the exception of St. Patrick's Day. And to think, back home he's an altar boy.  
  
Draco 


	98. Stupid OWL's

February 27  
  
Stupid O.W.L's. They're all the teachers are talking about. I don't want to enrich my magical potential. I want to get out of this stupid school and move on in my life but noooo, we have to LEARN. All I've learned here is that the professors only love themselves.  
  
Ron 


	99. Under my nose

February 27  
  
When you live with a secret right under your nose for a long time you stop wondering about it and eventually it just blends with your life and you forget that it's a secret. My dad always loved me very much, I never questioned it. But now, when I think about it he didn't love me because I was his son, he loved me because I was my mothers son. That's why, when I found out that he wasn't really my father it didn't really surprise me. I remember the actual identity of my father was surprising, but I guess it makes sense. That's why I feel so protective of Harry, I suppose. Lupin is like his uncle so I suppose that would make us like cousins.  
  
Seamus 


	100. Legacy

February 27  
  
I got the letter this morning, but I didn't open it until almost seven.  
  
Mr. Malfoy, the letter said in bold type face, it has come to our attention that a vast sum of money was left to you by Mrs Narcissca Malfoy. If you do not step forth to claim your legacy by 1 March your ownership will be terminated and the sum in question will be distributed in a manner deemed fit.  
  
Very orderly, very neat. I didn't even know she had died. No one told me, no one felt that I ought to know that my own mother had died. I folded the letter up and ripped it in half twice. And then I did something that I hate myself for doing. I asked them to send the money to my vault. I hate myself for it, I want to blend away so people forget about me, but I need the money. I didn't even know she died.  
  
Draco 


	101. Bad year

March 3rd  
  
This has just been a bad year for me, I guess. Ever since March of last year, when Harry found out about the third task things have been going downhill. I had a puffskein once. Fred used it for bludger practise. It held up pretty well, at first, tearing a bit here and there, but generally okay, and then it got this one whack, it wasn't particularily hard, but it was the last straw, and he just kind of, exploded. This little !poof! and he died. That's what I feel like, if I get hit one more time, I'm just going to go !poof! and drop dead. I won't even get a little twitch or anything. I'll just be there, and then gone.  
  
Ron 


	102. Spring

March 3rd  
  
Spring is in the air. I LIVE for spring, I BREATHE for spring. It's my favourite time of the year. My mum always told me that I was a spring person. I look like a spring person, with my light hair and eyes and skin, but before I never acted like one. But I do now. I feel lighter and brighter. Spring. Just the word makes me giddy.  
  
Hermione 


	103. March

March 3rd  
  
I hate March. It is the worst month of the year, and in my opinion it has no business existing. March is the death scene at the end of a terrible movie. It holds on, draging itself out until you want to die. In fact, April is my favourite month, merely because it means that March won't be coming around for another twelve months. If March was a person I'd kick him in the teeth.  
  
Harry 


	104. You Know You're Irish If

March 3  
  
My birthday is coming up. I love my birhday. I pulled out all the stops, coming two months premature just so I could be born on St Patrick's Day. If you're not born on St Patrick's Day, you aren't really Irish. That's what I always say. Of course, people tend to ignore what I say, so I don't reckon it matters a smidge anyway. Nothing else is happening now, I've noticed, but something better happen soon, or the Ministry will decide that we should all right about our Favourite Coulour, or Favourite Ministry Member. That would be a slice.  
  
Seamus 


	105. La Mort Interieur

March 3rd  
  
I sent a letter to my mothers estate manager, asking how and when she died. He said she died on April fifth, and she succumbed to mort interieur. She died inside.  
  
I've been thinking a lot about that. The wizard who did her autopsy said that she literally died from a virus of the mind. She did not kill herself, her mind did. Lucius must have given the doctor a large sum of money to create such a believable cause of death. I have received no letter from my mothers family, nor from Lucius. I do not expect to. Because of me my mother stayed with Lucius and died inside. And I have turned my back on him, he will make no communication with me. To Lucius I am dead already.  
  
I remember being a child, growing up in the huge Malfoy manor. Before my mother started to lose children, before my father started to beat her. We were happy, I honestly believed that I was superior to the rest of the world, to Muggles and wizards alike. We would see people richer than us, but my father knew things about them, terrible things, but if those stories did not make me feel better abput being a Malfoy, my father would lure the families children into being death-eaters, and they would be arrested. The families were shamed. He did it to so many, ruining them forever, shaming the family name because he had power. Crabbe. Goyle. MacNair. Helenus. Ll of them lured into something they would not have volunteered themselves into ordinarily. And my mother. I've seen pictures of her as a girl. Slim and pretty, with wide blue eyes and golden hair. The alst time I saw her, her eyes were grey, and surrounded by black circles. She was thin and haggard and her hair was completely white.  
  
I did not raise my fist. But I killed her. One day I too, will die inside.  
  
Draco 


	106. And I'm Turning 16?

April 5th  
  
This year sucks. I want a new one. Is that possible? Can I get a new year? At least it's almost over. Scotland sucks too. Europe sucks. Actually this entire goddam world sucks. Can we get a new one of those too? That would be nice.  
  
  
  
Alright. If you want the truth, I don't actually think any of that stuff, but the Ministry thinks that these journals are bringing out our "moodiness". Whatever that means. But apparently that's a good thing, because they've decided to make us do these things FOR THE REST OF OUR SCHOOL CAREERS!!!!! Can you believe it? I feel like I'm in Year 2, writing about My Weekend With Grandma, when grandma is actually dead. What that means is I have nothing to write about. At all. No wonder I'm moody, the arrival of this journal has let me clue in to how pathetic and boring I am. I can't even remember if I have a girlfriend. And I'm supposed to be turning sixteen?  
  
Ron 


	107. Change

April 5th  
  
We've been told that we will be writing in these diaries for the rest of our school careers. I went from hating these to loving them. Now I have a record of how my life has been for my fifteenth year. So much has changed this year, and in an obscure way, these diaries have helped. I'd like to see what everyone else has in them, their records and so on, their secrets, but that's what they are, secrets. I'm turning sixteen tomorrow, a birthday I've never really cared about, just another year, another step closer to growing old. But looking back in this diary for year fifteen, I suppose it's a bit more than an assent into old age, it's an assent into life. Something that many of us haven't rightly experienced yet.  
  
Hermione 


	108. Leaving Home

April 5th  
  
I haven't written lately. I've been busy. I've been at death-eater meetings. The first one I went to, my arm was tatooed, it was the most painful thing I've experienced in my life. My identity is no longer my own, and I can't turn back from what I've chosen. I'm leaving the school tomorrow, but I'll leave this diary. If I'm lucky I'll be caught before I destroy myself and all my friends.  
  
This is the end. Dean 


	109. CrossCountry

April 5th  
  
It's funny, the Ministry said that we have to keep writing in these journals and I'm kind of relieved. If we didn't have to, I wouldn't keep writing, but because it's mandatory, I will, and in a strange way, I want to. This book has been a companion to me. I don't have to worry that it will reveal my secrets, or turn it's back, and I don't have to ask if it's alright, if it wants to turn back and go home. It's Hermione's birthday tomorrow, and I've turned my back on her, barely communicating with her all year. She says it's not my fault, that I've had way to much to deal with this year, but I'm going to get her a good gift anyway. Not a book, Hermione loves books, but that isn't what she really wants. I bought her a car. Foolish you may say, for a witch, but Hermione goes home every summer and waits for her parents to drive her around, or walks, but this year, she can drive herself around. Herself and Draco, who's going home with her. But Hermione will not drive to the movies, she will drive across Britain, to pick me up from wherever I am staying, so that I do not spend my holiday alone. Then she'll drive all of us to pick up Ron so that I will not be alone on the trip home. She will ask Draco to get out and drive so she can turn around and talk to me, so that I will not feel left out. And I will talk to her. I'll be interested in what she has to say. I will talk about Quidditch and the Cannons to Ron, I will talk about the future, and books to Hermione. Because I feel a bit better about myself now. I feel like I can go out in the sun and not crumble, like I can have a girlfriend and not ignore her. Maybe it wasn't this book, maybe this was just a bad year or something, but I'm happier, and I'd like to have something to credit it to.  
  
Harry 


	110. I Love You

April 5th  
  
So I hadn't been seeing Hannah around outside of class for quite some time. I thought I was just missing her, but I found out from Ernie Macmillan, her best friend, that I hadn't been seeing her because she was spending a lot of time in the girls washroom. Forcing herself to throw up.  
  
Christ. I thought she had been getting thinner lately, but I figured it was just stress of finals coming up. She was eating right and everything so I didn't worry. And she was making herself sick in the bathroom. But the worst part? "I was doing it for you Seamus. I thought you would like me better if I was thinner."  
  
"Am I that shallow?" I asked.  
  
"No, of course not. I just thought, I thought that if I was prettier I wouldn't have to compete." And she looked at me like she expected me to say, well of course! Why didn't I see it before? You just want me to like you better so you're regurgitating everything you're eating.  
  
I kind of just stood there for a bit, and said nothing. And then I loked at her and told her to stop. I told her that she didn't need to be so thin. Told her that I loved her. And the funny thing? It's not that I love her, even though I do. I've loved people before. No, the funny thing is, I never told anyone before. Not even my mother.  
  
But today, suddenly, it was important for Hannah to know that I loved her. Everyone else already knew. But today Hannah needed to know. So I told her.  
  
"I love you. I love you so much." That's what I said. 


	111. I'd like to be a kid

April 5th  
  
It's been over a month since I last wrote, since I found out how and when my mother died, and I'm adjusting. Slowly, but surely I am adjusting. "That's what you have to do Draco." Seamus Finnigan said to me. It was the first time he said anything to me since I started dating Hermione. It was the first time he called me anything but Malfoy in my entire life.  
  
I don't know what I'm going to do this summer, maybe stay with Hermione, maybe ask if I can just stay at the school. I don't really think I want to stay here, in Hogwarts all summer though. My circulation has gotten better, my hands aren't cold as often. My personality has gotten better too. My words aren't cold as often. I'd just like to do some normal, teenager things before I head out of Hogwarts for good.  
  
I'd like to be a kid.  
  
Draco 


	112. Fun

April 10th  
  
So for Hermione's birthday Harry got her a car. She's practically tripping over herself to thank him. She says she's going to take me, Harry, Seamus and Draco on a road trip across Britain. A road-trip. As though I haven't had enough Muggle-ness to last me a lifetime. But it sounds like fun. It'll be nice to get away from my parents for a while. And tospend more time with everyone else. Although if Seamus does that thing with his fingers where he folds them all completely backwards, I will be compelled to push him out the car window.  
  
Adios, Ron 


	113. OHMIGOD!

April 10th  
  
HARRY GOT ME A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! OHMIGOD!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!! I love him more than anything right now. Well, not as much as I love that car, but pretty damn close. I'm going to take EVERYONE on a roadtrip. But first it'll just be me, Harry and Ron. We haven't spent that much time together this year, so I'll make it up to them  
  
Christ, a CAR.  
  
Hermione 


	114. How convenient

*A/N Springroll27, here's your chapter!!! Sorry.  
  
  
  
April 10  
  
Sweet Christ. I knew that a car would make her happy but a ROAD TRIP!!??? I'm actually kind of excited. I might even go out and buy one of those travel toothbrushes. Or maybe not. I can see Seamus beating me up for less than that. I can also see Draco holding me down while he does it. The travel toothbrush idea is out. But those little toothpaste containers are so convenient.  
  
I just read that. I'm going to go and flush my own head down the toilet. Harry 


	115. Seabus

10 April  
  
Today is 10 April. April showers bring May flowers and so on. Bloody April showers also bring mold spores, colds and damp sheets. Write a freaking poem about that. That saying was clearly NOT written by someone living in an ancient castle in northern Scotland. If it had been it would have been more like "April showers bring bad temper and bubonic plaugue."  
  
Everybody is sneezing and snuffling and calling me Seabus. "Seabus, get be subthig to drink." Or "Seabus, could you get be sub bore blankets?" Of course I can. It's not like I have other priorities. It's not like I'm falling victim to the black death myself.  
  
This will probably be the last time I ever write in this book. The sickness will claim my body by the end of the week. ]  
  
Seamus 


	116. Filled with fluid

10 April  
  
I can't believe this. I have a cold. Yes, I do realise that it rains twelve months of the year in Great Britain. Yes I do realise that 99.9% of the population of this god forsaken country soends at least ten years of their life in bed with some sort of flu. But I have never been sick in my life. Now my nose is all red and I can't properly pronounce anything. The only joy I get is hearing people call Seamus Seabus, but even that joy will be gone soon. I think my ears are filling with fluid. I'll be dead by next Tuesday.  
  
Draco 


	117. Dumbledore gets his kicks

May 3  
Everyone is pretty much back to normal now I guess.The epidemic has passed, Seabus is Seamus again and my hair is redder than my nose. The day after the last person was revived from the clutches of a Common Cold, the school received a surplus of Pepper-Up Potion. I think they do it on purpose.Dumbledore gets a kick out of it or something. 


	118. Where did Dean go?

May 3  
  
The closer you get to the end of the year, the longer it takes to get there. I'm so excited about this summer, it's going to be amazing. I kind of wish Dean was here though. I know things didn't really work with us, but when someone isn't there you kind of realise how much you miss them. Where is Dean anyway? Hermione. 


	119. Into the fire

May 3  
  
I'm just sitting here wondering why this world isn't turning round. I found Dean's journal, and I decided to peek in it, you know just to see if it said where he was going and he did say where he was going. He joined the Death Eaters. I told Seamus because if anyone could bring him back, Seamus could. But instead he threw the journal in the fire and watched it burn. I asked him why he did it, and he shrugged. 


End file.
